Okay, so NOW 6ish weeks

I had my first ultrasound! There's definitely a little glob growing in my uterus! I know now that its not a tubal pregnancy, which is a relief. What I am worried about is that I'm measuring at 6wks4days, but the prior to the appointment, the nurse had figured I was almost 8 weeks. So either my ovulation dates were wrong, which threw off all the dates after that, or my little bean stopped growing a week ago. Even though the nurse was able to see a flicker of a heart beat, which she assured me would not be happening if the baby had stopped growing, it still sort of terrified me to see that I wasn't as far along as I'd been obsessively calculating for the last month. The nurse got out a calendar and cross checked the dates with my various blood draws... estrogen levels, betas, all that, and told me that I probably ovulated later than the date I'd initially been given. She said that that the blood work I'd had done to confirm pregnancy showed levels consistent with several days prior to a missed period, not a day after my missed period as I'd been figuring. I hope I'm worrying for nothing.

My blood results showed a beta of, like, 90,000 something (I got the results by phone, very quickly, and without being able to write them down) and progesterone of 29, which is up from the last reading and is apparently excellent. My beta seems more like 7ish weeks, but the ultrasound is off +-4days so I could be more like seven weeks. I have another appointment for an ultrasound next Wednesday. I'm hoping the growth from yesterday to then is enough to put me a little more at ease.

I feel sort of cheated out of that happy excited feeling most expectant parents get to have. I feel like unless someone has struggled with infertility, or suffered a miscarriage, they don't really grasp how much could go wrong. This is why so many young first and second time parents post pictures of positive pregnancy tests on facebook right away. They are so blissfully unaware that something like 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I haven't told anyone aside from my husband and sister. I feel like I'm going to jinx myself if I tell anyone before 12 weeks. I'm trying to let go a little. My body is doing everything it can to keep this little blastocyst growing. Nothing good will come of worry, so I'm trying to think positively and focus on the aspects of this pregnancy that I do have control over... like eating well, drinking water, doing yoga.