Wednesday, January 30, 2013

7 weeks 4 days

We had a second ultrasound today. The doctor wanted to make sure the little one was growing properly after the dating of last week's ultrasound didn't put me as far along as we'd previously thought. We were so excited and nervous. I really just wanted to see the heartbeat. I kept feeling like, either our hopes will be completely dashed, or we will get to see a heartbeat and we will be ecstatic. I know seeing a heartbeat at 8 weeks is no guarantee of a healthy baby in seven months, but it does bring the statistic down for miscarriage.

We were seen right away and I didn't have to give blood. We were off to a good start.

After the doctor started looking around my uterus, she told us, totally nonchalantly, that the "first baby" was measuring right where they'd hoped, and the "second baby" seemed to be measuring right around the same. "Looks like identical twins," she said.

I was shocked. I just kept thinking WHAT. THE. FUCK?! I looked over at B and he seemed to be having the exact same thought. Is she serious? It had honestly not even crossed our mind to prepare for the possibility of multiples, even with the increased risk with taking Clomid, and knowing that twins run on both sides of B's family. Even after processing this information all day I am still sort of in shock. I am carrying twins. I didn't know if I would ever become pregnant, and now I was contemplating the idea of having TWO babies. We could be done building our family! I could never have to endure another fertility treatment! It's all very exciting. But with the news of twins comes a whole slew of new fears that we hadn't even thought to consider a day ago.

PCOS pregnancies are already high risk, but being pregnant with multiples carries additional risks all it's own. Also, the doctor was worried that they might be in the same sac, which we later obsessively researched and learned occurs in only 1% of multiple pregnancies and gives a 50-60% survival rate. The main danger with embryos in the same sac, called "mo-mo twins," is that having them in such close proximity might cause the umbilical cords to get wrapped or blocked. The doctor said she was referring us to an OBGYN and that we should try to be seen by a high risk one as soon as possible. She said it was possible that her ultrasound machine was not powerful enough to see the membrane separating the embryos. She called it "vintage" and said it was from the 70s. (Thanks TRICARE, I'm so glad you could send me to the CHEAPEST, MOST POORLY EQUIPPED, infertility clinic in the state of Virginia). At this point, that's what we're hoping and praying for. We've read that it's pretty common for it to be misdiagnosed early on in pregnancy. We're hoping we can catch this break.

I also learned that if they are indeed identical, which the doctor seemed pretty sure of, they will be the same sex. So my brief excitement about the thought of a boy and a girl went away pretty quickly. Part of me is scarred of having two boys (the other part of me is like, you idiot, you will be lucky two have two alive babies at the end of this, how could you worry, for even a second, that they might not be girls?). I think it's because I grew up with just one sister. I was never into sports or anything. I guess I'm worried that I might not be able to connect as well with a little boy. (Expect more on this later).

In other, "i have ridiculous, frivolous fears that someone who is so blessed should not even be thinking about"news, I worry that people will attribute the fertility treatment with us having twins and think negatively about it. I guess after the whole "john and kate" and "octomom" craziness, I'm just worried that people will judge me for being some crazy baby obsessed woman who went to extremes. But the fact that they are identical means that this was NOT caused by clomid. Clomid causes multiples when more that one egg releases, which can result in fraternal twins. It doesn't matter. I know it doesn't matter. Even if the twins were a result of fertility drugs, it wouldn't matter. (Probably more on this later too.)

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