Sunday, January 13, 2013

6ish weeks

I'm in a precarious situation. I am ecstatic to actually be pregnant. I still sort of can't believe it. At the same time, I am trying to manage my expectations. 

My numbers are goodish:   
beta-86 (1/3), 1490 (1/9)
progesterone-43.2, 29.5

But I'm still really nervous about a tubal pregnancy. I have been having sharp pains in my abdomen, but they really haven't been in one particular spot, so its probably fine. My nurse told me that if my beta was above 1000 after my 1/9 blood draw that I could come in for an ultrasound, but then when she called with my results, she made my appointment for almost two weeks out. Her reasoning is that I will likely be 8 weeks by then and if all goes well, they will refer me to an OBGYN after the appointment. But I feel like, that's all good and well, but what if everything does not look okay? What if its a tubal pregnancy and they could've spotted it a week and a half earlier? Maybe waiting a little longer will mean a strong heartbeat, then I suppose it will have been worth it. If I had an ultrasound at six or seven weeks, maybe there wouldn't be a heartbeat, and that would probably stress me out even more.

Even as I type this, I sort of can't believe it. Is this really happening? Am I actually 6 weeks pregnant? Do I seriously have a little blastocyst growing away somewhere in my (hopefully) uterus? This can't actually work out in our favor, can it? We've faced so many painful obstacles, why wouldn't we have to endure a miscarriage too? But in the same sense, we've dealt with so many obstacles, maybe we're due some good news. Maybe this will be our "take home" baby. Maybe this will be one of those pregnancies I read about that is all worry in the beginning, continued worrying throughout, and then results in a perfectly healthy baby. Maybe, like so many of my PCOS "cysters" this will be the first in a string of devastating miscarriages. 

Sometimes I wish I was as blissfully ignorant as the women who get a positive pregnancy test and start buying onesies and making facebook announcements. I wish I could just enjoy my first trimester without the constant fear that something is about to go terribly wrong at any moment. I can't even imagine how devastating a miscarriage would be, and I hope I never have to find out. I take some comfort in the fact that my progesterone is good, I'm extremely healthy as far as diet and exercise, and I'm very young, these are all things working in my favor. It also brings me some comfort to know that if I do miscarry at this point, it is most likely because the pregnancy would not have lead to a healthy baby.

Adorably, B has taken to calling the blastocyst a "polka-dot." Like, "I'll get the door for you and the polkadot" or "Are you and the polkadot feeling tired? Can I make you and the polkadot some tea?" He's being a real champ with all of this. He is just as scarred as I am that something might go wrong, but he's also so unbelievably excited. He's cried several times out of amazement that, for now at least, this is really happening for us. In a totally cliche turn of events, we found out recently that he's more than likely going to deploy to Afghanistan in a couple of months, on a six month deployment... or, if everything works out with this pregnancy, just long enough to miss the birth and the first month of our baby's life. More on that later, I don't really want to think about it right now I just want to pin more cute nursery pictures to my "secret" pinterest board.

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