Sunday, November 25, 2012


I ovulated around the 15th of November. Actually ovulated, not just a false PCOS positive OPK. So that's cool. I also have two very large follicles on one ovary. I don't know if I can ovulate twice within a couple of days. Probably not. Anyway, at the check up if I hadn't ovulated they would have given me a trigger shot to force ovulation, but I had... and sooner than I was planning so I can't remember if we BD or not within the ovulation window. It's reassuring that they've found a combination of metformin and clomid that worked for me, so we can try it again next time. I have pretty much given up getting pregnant this round, but I am optimistic about the fact that I actually ovulated for real this time, for the first time in years.

It took a lot of clomid (100mg for 10 days straight), which is sort of unheard of. It's a little worrisome just because normally a woman builds up to 100 mg for 5 days and doctors wont repeat more than 4-6 rounds of that in a row. Well, I'm at 4 rounds in a row with the last one being a double dose and the plan is to do another round if I am not pregnant this cycle.

In other news, not one, but TWO of my facebook friends (young couples who got married over the summer) announced pregnancies over the weekend. That brings the grand total of currently pregnant  facbook friends to 9. NINE!!! It would be even higher, but two of them had their babies this month! Maybe I should move back to my home town. There seems to be something in the water. I should be happy for them; most of those 9 pregnancies were planned and most of those facebook friends will make wonderful parents and are truly good people. But I'm really not happy for them. I'm bitter and angry. One couple's friend commented about how lucky they were that the due date was around the time school lets out (prego is a teacher) to which she replied, "Oh, believe me, that was very strategic." Strategic? Like, you planned out the perfect time frame to get pregnant, had sex, and GOT PREGNANT? In ONE TRY? So that really does happen for some people then. Must be nice. Some of us chart temps and take drugs and chart ovulation with predictor kits and have sex ever single day of a cycle on the off chance that we might ovulate sooner or later than normal and do this for SEVENTEEN consecutive months and cannot get pregnant.

I'm allowing myself one day of bitterness and sadness. Tomorrow is a new day. Hey, there's a slight chance that a little embryo could be implanting as I type. I won't get my hopes up for that. But I am looking forward to the first cycle where there's a plan in place that I know could actually work. That's progress!

UDATE: I miscounted; Eleven facebook friends are currently pregnant (that I know of... who knows when the next little black and white ultrasound image of a little blob will become someone's profile picture). Is that real life? I mean seriously. It's not like I even a ton of facebook friends or anything. UGH.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Everywhere a Baby Bump

I keep seeing pregnant women. They're everywhere. I almost don't want to grocery shop anymore just because it makes me sad to see SO MANY PREGNANT BELLIES. Maybe I'm being hypersensitive because infertility sadness sort of intensifies around the holidays, but is it normal to see five pregnant women in one shopping trip? Going to grocery shopping on base is like pouring salt in an open wound.

Seriously, I can't run in for some dog food without seeing AT LEAST two or three pregnant women, usually its more like five or six. And more often than not I see them with little tiny babies in the cart too. When I see a pregnant 20 year old with twin babies in a stroller pulling a cart behind them filled with baby formula and frozen dinners, I'm just like, you've got to be kidding me. The pregnant women to other people ratio on base is crazy skewed. I wonder what percent of the US population is pregnant compared to the US Military Population. I bet it's way higher for military.  I think it must be the full healthcare coverage, because these ladies seem to be making it their mission to pop out babies. Good. For. All. Those. Fertile. Little. Spouses.

It's hard not to be bitter about it. I feel like a bitter old hag when I find myself staring at these women, judging them for being luckier and more fertile than I am. And then I feel guilty about it, I mean, It's not their fault I'm an emotional wreck. I try to think about the fact that I don't know their stories. Just because they are pregnant doesn't mean it was easy for them. I understand empathy, in theory, it's just hard to practice in this situation, when everything just feels so unfair. I have a shopping cart full of organic produce, lactose free milk (because apparently soy milk is bad for infertile women), gluten-free bread (because I can't have gluten either), and a ton of other healthy stuff that's supposed to "boost fertility" and these young wives are walking around with multiple babies and carts full of hot pockets and Oreos.

Friday, November 9, 2012

PCOS and Natural Remedies

I've taken a bunch of medicine to try and control my PCOS, but nothing has brought back my period.

Tired of eating Metformin like candy and feeling nauseous all day, I started looking into more natural ways of coping with it. I have been exploring several approaches.

Gluten-Free: I've been attempting gluten-free for several weeks. I can't really tell a difference except for now when I cheat and eat something with a questionable gluten content, I get really sick to my stomach. I miss pizza and regular pasta. and doughnuts. Why is there gluten in all my favorite foods?

Exercise: Most women with PCOS are also overweight or obese (as a result of the PCOS), sometimes all it takes to regulate their cycles is losing some of that excess weight. I am what is sometimes referred to as a "thin PCOS." Even though I gained upwards of 25 lbs after coming off birth control, I was still considered a normal weight. I started loosing some weight with the Metformin, and felt better about myself, but saw no other positive impact on my PCOS symptoms. Even if it wont solve my PCOS problem, I do feel better all around now that I have developed an exercise regimen. I do yoga for 20-50 min everyday and spend 15 min twice a day walking my dog.

Acupuncture: I have been receiving acupuncture treatments every other week for over two months. They are $85/session and starting to become to much for us to afford. I could've probably validated spending the extra money if I were seeing any kind of results, but after my last blood work verifying that after all this time, I still haven't even ovulated, I'm losing hope that acupuncture will work for me.

Low GI Diet: Less processed foods and less sugar, more vegetables and full fat dairy. I pretty much do this anyway, minus my enormous sweet tooth. I baked some gluten-free dark chocolate cookies recently, the plate of which is slowly dwindling, and have to keep reminding myself "just because it doesn't have gluten, doesn't mean it's good for me" maybe that will be my new mantra in yoga.

Herbal Stuff: I'm still exploring this idea. Chasteberry is supposed to do something good, as well as something called Vitex. Cinnamon is also good, apparently, and I love it, so I sprinkle a little on pretty much everything.

So how are all, or any, of these attempts working? Well, in combination with all the western medicine I'm ingesting on a daily basis, these natural practices have resulted in.... nothing. I guess I should give it all more time... Rome wasn't built in a day, and all that. But after over a year with no period (longer looking back on the five years before that I was only getting withdrawal bleeds from BC) I feel like I've been doing nothing but waiting, giving it more time, trying to be patient.

My patience is fading. I'm sort of at a loss. I just don't know what more I could possibly be doing.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Still not Pregnant

I had blood work done on Monday to confirm ovulation/see if I am pregnant. I hate getting blood drawn; half the time, I pass out, which terrifies me every time. This time I had the blood drawn lying down, which I think helped. It would've been relatively painless if my first vein hadn't blown and the nurse hadn't spent several minutes digging around my arm to try and fix it... She hadn't gotten enough from that arm, so she had to re-draw from my other arm. I ended up having more blood taken than necessary, and with two arms wrapped at the elbow in blue gauze/tape, I looked like a very pale ninja turtle (to make matters worse/funnier I was also wearing a green turtleneck).

Worse yet, when the nurse called with the results I was not only not pregnant (which I already assumed because of a BFN pee test I had already taken)... I had also not even ovulated. This was a bit upsetting because I had gotten a positive OPK (which I know aren't reliable with PCOS, but I don't get positives all the time like some women... I pretty much never get a positive. This is only the second time I'd seen a little smiley face on the test after having gone through probably six boxes of the stupid things) It's been over a year since I had my PCOS diagnosis (and well over a year since we started TCC) and I STILL haven't ovulated. WTF? So over the last year I have not had a single, actual, shot at getting pregnant.

So the plan now is 10 continuous days of clomid with a pelvic ultrasound scheduled a couple of days after that. Though the five previous attempts with clomid have done exactly NOTHING for me, my RE thinks that this dose, for longer, might finally get me to ovulate. I have my doubts. I am going to do a little research and if I haven't made progress in the ovulation department, I'm going to suggest we start talking about more serious treatments and procedures.

In other news, I had a nice little break from employment but B and I decided that we didn't want to give up our nights out/extra spending and as our savings dwindled, I needed to get a job, fast. So now I have two, which I haven't started yet because they are both govt. jobs and require excessive background checking/clearances. I'm worried about the added stress of two jobs and nervous about making the timing work with two different schedules. The stress is not good for TCC, I know. But being broke is not good for it either. I'm sure it will all work out. I feel like I do a whole lot of waiting and worrying... story of my life.