This is the second holiday season I've endured since my PCOS diagnosis.
Last year during Christmas I was on my third round of Clomid with an assurance from my doctor that I'd be "pregnant in no time." I'd get sad when I thought about it too much, and it definitely put a damper on my holiday season, but I was still sort of blissfully ignorant. I was a little worried that our move to VA might put us back a month or so, but I was hopeful. I thought, this is a new year, I'm going to go into it with determination and a positive attitude, and I'm going to get pregnant. That didn't happen.
Part of what has been so difficult is that now, a year later, I feel like I'm no closer than I was a year ago. Or at least not much closer. I did ovulate, so that's a little progress, but it took over a year just to make that happen. Now I know more about all the other hurdles I have to overcome, I've become disillusioned. On the worst days, I feel like there's no hope. Most days though, I'm pretty okay.
I think the holidays are worst because there's so much weight on the idea of family. Before infertility, I'd see cute little families walking around, dressed to see Santa, picking out a tree, and think, it won't be long before I have a cute little family of my own to build traditions with. Now to see a cute little family all giddy with Christmas spirit, makes me sad... and a little bitter usually too. I don't know if I will ever get to take my child to take pictures on Santa's lap. I don't know if I will get to have traditions like giving PJs to my little ones on Christmas Eve for them to wear on Christmas morning. I think the want for family is intensified over the holidays.
So how do I make it though it? How do you survive the holidays with infertility? I think you try to pause and appreciate all of the blessings you do have. And even though I am hurting, I really do have a lot to be thankful for.