It's been over a week since I wrote a blog post. I don't know why exactly, but I've been feeling sort of blase about my infertility lately. I walked past adorable families with newborns, picked up a tiny little sparkley TOMS shoe, and endured some "getting pregnancy is easy and instant" TV references without bursting into tears. I didn't feel compelled to journal my feelings. I kept thinking, it is what it is... maybe I'll never get pregnant, maybe I will. I thought maybe I was just cried out. Nope.
Yesterday I had another meltdown. My husband told me he was relieved; he had been worried I was holding in my emotions.
It's a lot of things, really. I just feel like a failure. I've always been a go-getter, most likely to succeed and all that. I graduated high school with a million academic and extra curricular accolades, and excelled similarly in college, finishing with a 4.0. Then I got married and started my new life as an Air Force spouse. I've sort of given up on finding a position teaching art, but it would be nice if I could at least get a position substitute teaching. I've applied all over, event at Starbucks, and nothing. I have a teaching degree for goodness sakes. I got a job waiting tables, which I hated and left. I couldn't even hack it as a waitress. As a formerly independent woman who is now unemployed and completely dependent upon her husband, who she gave up a career for, I feel like such an idiot. FEMINIST FAIL.
Also, I have no friends, at least not here in Virginia. There is no one I could call up and be like, "hey, lets get a coffee." Really, how are adults supposed to make friends? At a job? Well, the last couple of jobs I've had have not really been conducive to building friendships. I've seriously thought about making business cards and shopping for friends at Trader Joe's. I've had the same friends from school and dance since I was a child. I'm not good a starting new friendships. Am I unlikeable? FRIENDSHIP FAIL.
And then, the ONE thing that I'm supposed to be able to do without even thinking about it, that my body is supposed to be built for, I can't even handle. Not only can I not get pregnant, I can't even ovulate. FEMALE FAIL. In addition, I have acne all over my face, difficulty losing weight, and thick, black hair on my upper lip, chin and chest. DOUBLE FEMALE FAIL.
I guess maybe the nonchalant feeling was more of a depression. I feel like a loser. I've always struggled with feeling not good enough, but this is worse, I feel like I can't do ANYTHING right, even the most basic things, like menstruation. I know that it's not my fault my body is revolting against me, there's not much that I can do that I'm not already doing, but I think maybe that makes it even worse. Maybe it's cyclical, even hormone induced. Maybe I go through these feelings of highs and lows every attempt? It wasn't so long ago I was posting about all the positive aspects of my infertility, and there are positive things. Even when I'm feeling so low, there is always a silver lining.
Some good, from the bad:
Unemployment = me time.
I have time to do yoga each morning, drink a cup of tea (as slowly as I like), take a ballet class once a week, get acupuncture, cook elaborate dinners from scratch.
Delayed baby making = More time to get our shit together
Build a savings, grow stronger as a couple, stop eating junk
No bun in oven = Doing things preggo ladies can't do
Soft cheese, roller coasters, SUSHI!, martinis... Sure I'd trade my Hendricks for a little one in a second, but still, I'll miss having a drink if I ever do get pregnant.
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