Meeting Adorable Children

This weekend I was lucky enough to spend some time with my family on the East Cost (we left JUST before the storm). My cousin and his wife have the most adorable children in the world. The oldest is so smart. He knows all kinds of things about NYC and can give directions as well as some adults I know. He's like, 4. The littlest one is about a year and a half, I think. She's the giggliest baby I've ever met and she was obsessed with Paisley, which was too cute for words.

Usually being around kids, especially really cute ones, makes me a little bitter and sad. I've been known to tear up after seeing kids do cute stuff like bark at Paisley when she's on her walk, or play games with their grandparents out at a restaurant.

Being around these particular children though, was refreshing and inspiring for some reason. I just felt happy to be spending time with them, and so hopeful for the future. Maybe it is because I got to interact with them, get to know them, instead of just seeing them and being like "well, that kid was adorable. Why should that person get to have that cute kid when I can't have one? I hate my life." Maybe it's because I can't be bitter because I know what amazing parents these particular children have. Either way, I left hopeful that I WILL be able to have a baby one day (through whatever means it ends up happening) and inspired to be the kind of parent my cousins are to their kids.

I think one of the worst parts of infertility for me is the fact that I love kids so much. There are people who like kids, who maybe want children sort of abstractly, there are some who love theirs but are sort of "eh" about other peoples, and then there are those who just get them. I get kids. I love them, and they love me. I've never met a kid who wasn't instantly just as enamored with me as I am with them. I'm not trying to sound conceited, but it's just a fact. They love me.

That's why seeing adorable babies makes me so bitter. I just know how much I love other peoples kids, I can't even imagine the kind of love I could have for my own. It sort of overwhelms me to think about, actually. And that thought invariably leads to the fact that there is a possibility I could never get to experience that relationship, and that devastates me.

It also makes me bitter when I compliment someone on their small child and they say something like, "they're not so cute when you're chasing and cleaning up after them all day." I've worked in a pre-school, spent ALL DAY with toddlers, running after them, changing diapers, reading stories. I spent more waking hours with these children than their parents and I freaking LOVED it. I get so annoyed with these parents who don't seem to appreciate how amazing their children are.

I try to be understanding, maybe they've had a really bad day... maybe they're just quieted their screaming child or got peed on or something and they're feeling momentarily unappreciative. Honestly, that's probably what it is most times, but that doesn't keep me from wanting to punch anyone who's all "oh, just wait until you're a mom, you won't think they're so cute once you're changing diapers all day," or, "Enjoy your time without kids, because once they're here, there's no going back!" One day I'll just be like, "Actually, I'm infertile. I might NEVER be a mom, but you can be DAMN sure that if I ever become one,  I WILL still think they're cute after sleepless nights and countless diapers. I will absolutely appreciate them more than you seem to appreciate yours. Count your blessings"... "Bitch" (I'd probably just add that last part in my head).