When I look through my facebook friends, I can count twenty women who have given birth or announced pregnancies in the past year. It seems like everyone I know is pregnant. They're posting ultra-sound pictures, complaining about weight gain, instagramming their bump progression, announcing gender, and I'm cringing, and crying, and hating myself with every post.
So I hid them from my profile. All of them. I had to do it, for my own sanity. Just over a year ago, I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). I still don't fully understand what it is, or how I am supposed to cope with it for the rest of my life, but what it means at this point is that if I ever want to have a baby, I am going to have to work for it. So that's what B and I have been doing for over a year... charting, planning, taking drug after drug after drug, attending appointment after appointment. So every time a friend (or worse, a frenemy!) announces they're expecting a child, I just want to curl up in a ball and die.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling a little sadistic, or need a good cry, I look at the profiles of my pregnant friends. They're all glowing and lovely, and I'm all acne ridden, hairy, bloated, nauseous from all the medication, and completely and utterly un-pregnant.
I have to remind myself that it's not easy for everyone to get pregnant. Just because someone posts a happy maternity picture, doesn't necessarily mean they didn't struggle to get there. But no one talks about infertility problems. It's such a private struggle. Even as I write this, I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable sharing it with anyone. I do feel that writing about it is therapeutic, so I suppose I'll keep this up.
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